Little by Little.

I'm starting to get it. Whatever that could ever mean....

This quarter is so forward going. There are quite a few performances that I want to see left in the quarter. Stanford has this really big "POW-WOW" thing every year with lots of Native-American groups convening for a big festival. I look forward to it a lot. There's also this dance thing our dorm and others are doing on a boat soon floating around in the San Francisco Bay. It should be amusing. I'm also involved with relay for life again this year. So, it should be immensely fun. We just need a good turn-out. It sure does seem like very thing just depends on a good turn-out. The faceless masses are so necessary. AHA! This is the purpose of a surplus of population!!! Why didn't I think of this before? (hahah....I hope you, the intelligent reader, can sense my sarcasm) But yeah....

Lots to do... to say the least.

I'm also doing Stanford Admit Weekend. I guess I'm gonna be a summer camp counselor/helper for at least a weekend. Because, everyone knows Stanford is super-uber-fun. Haha. Pile maybe two feet of work on top of that fun though. It's all good. I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't.

AHHHHHH! I love the Romantic Period! More so everytime I get back into it. I think I might never "grow" out of this period. *audible sigh* I should grow up though. But....ahhhhhhhh......Wordsworth....Coleridge.....Keats......

Poetry is really giving me a boost.

Jumping around again. I saw some movies this weekend. I saw a Chinese "chick-ish" flick - "So Close" - the girls had such fine hair...........pause..... and "The Day After Tomorrow." I should try to finish "Shawshank."

Tonight, being a Saturday night, I should come out of my hole and do something fun. I am going to this Japanese Culture event tonight with Olivia, my beloved rowing Frenchie! But, I want to have some fun too. Haha. I wish I had gone out for dinner last night with someone.....

I talked to an Emily from San Francisco last night. It was rather random....Just kinda talked in the hallway about how Stanford Life is quite "unsavoring" and even "depressing." We're such hopeful, optimistic people.

Wow, my writing is going down the latrine. I should do better. Now, it's just me blabbering....blab....blab...blab...

So, I'll let you go.....

Or you don't have to. I also have other methods of communication too.

I leave you with a great Chinese proverb:
"Money is good."

Do think about it.... it's a toughie.

Here are some random thoughts from Tri:

draw groups suck, friends are so elusive, NO ONE KNOWS ANYONE, people can't commit, "Why do birds suddenly appear?"........

I need to write more often....

Here's an interim message.

I'm feeling better about "things" in general. I think I'm getting better about this entire thing about extricating myself from people and events...mostly people. I'm moving in the correct direction...methinks. I'm learning to be less "intense" with people. But, on the flip side, I'm getting more and more alone. I guess alone-ness comes with indepedence. I guess that I (personally) can't be a people person and always be happy. Especially when I expect so much out of things. Especially when I feel like I give out too much.

My criterion is reciprocity and boy is it hard. It's SO hard. So, I've lowered my exertion so that the reciprocation is lower and more do-able. Basically, I've lowered all relationships to almost just acquaintance. Everything else that I thought moved beyond acquaintanceship just didn't make the cut. It didn't hold up. And I seriously think I don't want to be the only one that is doing all the holding. Hence, I'm letting it fall to mere cursory friends. It's funny how you can feel so damn alone when you attend a university.

It is so true: No one knows anyone else. (well, at least to me)

Now, I'm just holding on to the pillars of past friendships. I do hope they stand the erosion of time. But, again...I feel like I'm the only one holding on. I guess I'm not really to let these pillar fall....yet.... The day when I do finally give in, I guess then I would be finally ready to lead a more individually satisfying life. Then, I can really work on being happy and alone...

Hmm.....there's just something about me.

Or am I being too DAMN impatient? I wish I could get an answer.

People just cut me off.... it seems like the natural thing to do. If I don't put out, I get put off.

I think I'm gonna just have to deal with that.

Eventually, I have to.

Alone too.

HA.

ARGH! Long Pause.....

I shall start off with an apology for my tardiness in updating this thing. So, I am quite sincerely sorry if I've been a disappointment to your idle eyes. But, do not dispair for I have much to say in the course of the next few blog entries.

Basic run through - got through with finals the week before spring break and hated everyone and everything when I was finished; it was one hell of a week - had pizza at California Pizza Kitchen - relatively different and interesting - mushrooms and peking duck....; drove to grandparent's walled community home in Orange County relatively fast with Tenoch and Riaz; stayed with grandparents and visited relatives for a very slow week; hair cut; finished East of Eden; wrote scathing cathartic letter; saw regular TV; slept; ate too much; grandma thinks I'm too skinny - always will; went to a nice art museum with cousin and her boyfriend - Gettys; went to beach and was cold; drove home through the rain; enjoyed the California Valley along the FIVE; confused about classes for a week; signed up and attended 25 hours of class the first week; working 10 hrs a week; planned for ASES summit; hosted ASES summit; had Chinese delegate live with me for over a week; went crazy with work from ASES; planned and did lots of work; have lots of essays to write;......paused for a breath......; saw Closer; growing farther away from people; confronted and negotiated; still in a limbo-ish state; no time to think more; think lost a friend - not sure; went to Stanford Community Day; met cool grad student here from Cornell; entered a mausolem; saw big cacti; saw and jumped and got excited about big and beautiful banana peel; need to write two essays by Tues; need to fill out applications; need to sleep; ....need to enjoy life

....need to chill out; need to relax; need to quit thinking too much; need to stop being too "intense"; need to pick draw group; need to be happy; need to be involved; need to be more focused; need to be smarter; need to exercise; need to give advice and comfort people; need to be comforted.....

< << sighs >> >

why? ......

need to stop over-analyzing and making long "need" list.

So, there you have it. (it wasn't that bad) I'll muse on specific events on following posts.