I need to write more often....

Here's an interim message.

I'm feeling better about "things" in general. I think I'm getting better about this entire thing about extricating myself from people and events...mostly people. I'm moving in the correct direction...methinks. I'm learning to be less "intense" with people. But, on the flip side, I'm getting more and more alone. I guess alone-ness comes with indepedence. I guess that I (personally) can't be a people person and always be happy. Especially when I expect so much out of things. Especially when I feel like I give out too much.

My criterion is reciprocity and boy is it hard. It's SO hard. So, I've lowered my exertion so that the reciprocation is lower and more do-able. Basically, I've lowered all relationships to almost just acquaintance. Everything else that I thought moved beyond acquaintanceship just didn't make the cut. It didn't hold up. And I seriously think I don't want to be the only one that is doing all the holding. Hence, I'm letting it fall to mere cursory friends. It's funny how you can feel so damn alone when you attend a university.

It is so true: No one knows anyone else. (well, at least to me)

Now, I'm just holding on to the pillars of past friendships. I do hope they stand the erosion of time. But, again...I feel like I'm the only one holding on. I guess I'm not really to let these pillar fall....yet.... The day when I do finally give in, I guess then I would be finally ready to lead a more individually satisfying life. Then, I can really work on being happy and alone...

Hmm.....there's just something about me.

Or am I being too DAMN impatient? I wish I could get an answer.

People just cut me off.... it seems like the natural thing to do. If I don't put out, I get put off.

I think I'm gonna just have to deal with that.

Eventually, I have to.

Alone too.

HA.