Intense Sun.....Engulfing Clouds

This next week is finals week. I'm lucky enough to have four three hour long finals in three consecutive days ending on Friday. AHHHHHH! I do intend to survive this. But, everyone insist that it will be horrible. I feel confidant until the people around me panic. But yeah.....

Nothing really happening lately. Today I saw a Merce Cunningham performance with John Cage-ish music. All improvisation and experimentation. The dancers were really good (and ethnically representative - there was one Japanese and one part Black). Now, the sky outside is covered in a nice thick layer of clouds after a yesterday of scary intense sunshine. I'm listening to T.A.T.U. Wow, it really pulls up back into the past. But, so different.

I'll be going to Orange County for spring break. I'll be staying with my grandparents for a week. I hope that somehow I'll get access to a car. That would be nice. Yesternight, instead of going to party, I ended up laying on the ground in the Quad by myself. A quiet solitude. There were many a stars last night. I failed to spot the moon. Which was odd. I had a pulsating headache all day because of work and a lack of sleep. But, I saw two movies. An old Colin Firth/Ruppert Everett movie and an almost ancient Derek Jarman film. An interesting combo. I recommend Jarman to all people who enjoy low-budget arthouse movies and being shocked at complete bluntness with nudity. (I saw the religious one...and it was enough)

Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday. I and my friends (notice that I take precedence) went to a nice (really nice) Italian restaurant (Spalti) and blew about 150. But, the atmosphere was great and the food was good. But, sadly, I was sad during the event even though I was happy because I was with friends. I guess I was thinking of long run stuff. How things don't tend to be anything but fleeting events. But, I left happy.

Then, I got back to the dorm to get ready for the highly anticipated "Frosh formal" (also known as Freshmen formal) - not really anticipated at all actually. Just kinda went. In the process of getting ready, I got really "floaty." We piled into Andrea's car and got there while singing crap because we were all "floaty," except the driver of course - she has Mono. So, she couldn't get floaty. Anyhow, we got there and I HAD A BLAST!!!!!

I was much more loose and uninhibited - even more than usual. (Imagine that!) I had fun dancing with lots of people. And there was just a lot of silly giggling and whatnot. But yeah.....then, I saw something that was disconcerting....involving another person I knew holding hands and kissing someone else I didn't know. It didn't really hit me the first time I saw it. But, when my friends got tired and wanted to go home, I stayed back. And then, I just saw it over and over again. And THEN it really hit home. and it hit hard.....

So I ended the night by walking home alone and laughing at myself the entire length for being stupid and always prone to sadness. I laughed. and laughed. and laughed. I could not stop thinking about this incident. I was absurd. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't believe how affected I was. It was insane. So, I ended up quite thoroughly depressed on the night of my birthday celebration. (then, I couldn't sleep because I was pre-occupied with it) However, I did sleep and it was mellowed out in the morning. It wasn't as intense the following day. However, I've been conditioning myself to avoid it and to devise ways to make it through logically. I don't know if I want a confrontation. hmmmm...... there are many things that could be catalyzed by this. and I don't know if I want to deal with all the by-products of such a confrontation. But, I yearn for it (to an extent).

It's still not resolved. I hate my outward civility at this point in time - during this time of uncertainty. I want to either forgive completely or hate passionately. But, I'm at this limbo - purgatory - and it's driving me NUTz!!!!! I want a final answer. I want to finish this business of relationship now. ARGH!

And if it does terminate (I feel like it will), it would be the second time this year (one per quarter). haha. I gain and lose a seemingly "close" person every quarter. At this rate, I have ten more to go through. OH boy!! So, I started questioning things....do I set myself up for this crap? Am I subconsciously doing this to myself in an act of self destruction? But, NO. I don't want this. I like happiness too. But, it just always happens to unfold in this way. .... Me losing....

But, I think I'm doing really well and I'm getting over it. I've taught myself to cope with it and to accept this loss. I just still get upset at my civility. I want to be straight forward and get pent up emotions out. But, *sighs* there always seems to be a natural mechanism of myself to be in constraint. Whenever I even get close to being completely irrational and frank, I naturally get constrained. So, I put up a face and supposedly "it's all good." But, I know it's not.

I don't even think the other party even notices how I was affected. So, that makes me even more sad. But.......I won't let this get to me. (telling this to myself over and over should help too) haha.

Anyhow, I had a killer English paper last week. And I finished. It was as if I was learning to write again.

But yeah...I saw more performances on campus...two dance concerts. And I got to see a swimmer friend dance after taking a hip/hop class. It was quite amusing. (Hip Hop dance is so popular at Stanford....I wouldn't have guessed) Andrea also danced.

Anyhow, I think that's all for now. I'll post up pictures of the formal soon. And I am still playing phone tag with some friends from home.

Question of think about:
What does a friendship consist of? When is it deemed unnecessary? When do people stop being sincere and instead put on a mask of civility? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Alors, c'est tout.

Oh, I had lots of fun talking to Hunter/Evan. (I took up the advice)