Been a while.....

since I've rambled on this thing.

I need to continue to practice this priceless skill. I've been sitting through many more noticeable silences. I wonder if it's me. Or everyone else around me .... probably the prior.

I been thinking too much lately. Overthinking. Overanalysing. Yet, it's all just a blurb in the end. Nothing more or less. I question than I ponder to nothing. Chasing a tail that seems infinitely out of reach yet so close.

This last week was a lapse for me. As any overworked, overstressed, sleepdeprived student during exam week, I've been just following mechanisms of actions. Just doing steps methodically. Just following the necessary steps along the road of academia and in the process successfully shutting almost everything else out. I commend thee, the intelligentsia. But, I'm not ready to dive into the complete oblivion of pure knowledge. I'm still stupidly clinging... to what?.... I'll figure that out soon.

Call it intuition. instinct. (such a loaded word) Call Falstaff to explicate. (can you create this intrinsic - can you learn instinct? isn't that a direct negation of its identity? Or is identity just another fabrication to define boundaries ... of course words have boundaries..... but why?)

weirdness.

Lately, I've been occupied with identity. With self. Why are memories stringed together? Why bonded together by links that all intertwine and confuse. Why chain together notions and ideas and identities? Sometimes, I want to grap all of these connections and *snip*. . . . Nothing . . . more. No more logical senses. Just autonomous thoughts. No more implicated prejudices through dirty strings of relation. Just pure individual ideas.

A purity. untainted by bonds. free.

But, just as I rant, I do the same things. I can't help it. Then, I despise myself for it. Or I just accept. Is that how it should be? Should I accept as most do implicitly? I think I don't want to. But, what is the alternative? None. everything goes back to connection.

Sometimes, I want to desperately find a tautology. But, of course I know that I won't find it before I even start. I still search. I still find nothing. With the acceptance of a lack of a totality, I polarize to the other extreme.

I resonate. Sometimes to quickly. In the best sense of resonance too. I blink. I relay.

Do I want to?

I'm asking to many questions. Or am I? ARGH!!!!!

I might as well interject historical occurences now. Otherwise, I just forget things.

Last weekend I did nothing. I watched Hero again. I drifted. I'm drifting. I feel like I'll continue to drift. Where to? I'll just wait to find out. But, last week I had my first organic chem midterm. Then, I turned in my first essay in literature. Henry IV. I'll have econ monday. Then, I'll just jump back into the cycle of normalcy again. That's it. Nothing more except hours upon hours of my thoughts. meandering thoughts. ephemerally sound thoughts. Sound for links. crazy by itself.

I did listen to the Spoken Word Collective yesternight. It was good. I enjoyed that. More so than I would imagine. I was glad I went.

poesie. . . . . tu es trop contente. Je veux etre comme vous. Mais non....

Enough for now.

Conflicted?

(does this word come to mind?)

Ha.