Tri's Re-Visitations

...pastures of undulating idylls

2007-04-27T20:12:00.001+02:00

waiting to be consummated into writing. Anticipation of abundance seeps through the holes in a hand woven basket full of memory. Dissipating with weariness through the abrasion of stupor and inactivity. Nothing remains but half impressions. No acute carvings, just smudges onto a sandstone backdrop.

I went to the Loire Valley last weekend. I have been meaning to give my trip the justice of detailing it in writing to its full glory. I had so much I could say. So much I had felt. So, much I had absorbed. So, much I wanted to record. But, I gave into the idyllic/idleness and didn't. It's funny that when you have all the time in the world, nothing is ever done. This statement has never been proven false to me, yet, it remains just as tartly comedic every time. I'm still trying to plan out everything as usual. It's just that I don't have the motivation for implementation. So, they just accrue and I just observe. I am trying to keep up this journal as well as a personal journal as well as correspondences. I'm finally remembering how this can become much more of a strain than it seems. I purge myself when I do these things. Purging isn't all that easy. It's straining. (alas for the repetition of synonyms... rather, think of the shades rather then the meaning.)

My personal journal is the hardest for me to write. It always takes way much more time and energy than I budget. But, Hell! it's so necessary. I'm constantly in my head again. And it's really flourishing with all of the walking, the metro-ing, and alone time. So, I have all of these things just always floating around in my head... then manifested into dreams, into naps, into subconscious thoughts.

But, here's the Loire:

We saw lots of chateaux. Oddly enough. In regards to the castle we stayed in, I actually slept in the stables. Yeah, with hay and the horses. It was really cold at night, but, we had many layers to cover ourselves. We means John, Greg, and I. The ride into the Valley was great! We drove through pastures upon fields of green.   And every once in a while, a large patch of brilliant yellow would trumpet!

We got to the chateau in midst of ooo's and ahh's - as anticipated. But, the pool was empty! It was rather sad. So, we decided to take a dip in the Cher river nearby. It was highly anticipated. But, fell much less of its assumed greatness. We finally did this much later. I actually had a dream last night about pools and hotels. It involved the disappointment of a dry pool. Then, the excitement to realize the following day (still in my dream) that there were two full pools. It was a stupid dream.

We then had dinner aboard a ship that lazily cruised down the Cher towards Chenonceau. It was really a 5 course meal that lasted for almost 3 hours. We did our shamelessly tourist activities concurrently as we approached this most visited castle in France. It felt very surreal and Mississippi-ish. It was nice. I would like to do this again later in my life.

We got back and just relaxed in our stable room with some other students that dropped by to chat. We actually followed the Bing rule of no alcohol in rooms. It was startling! But, yet still enjoyable. Of course, this meant that we didn't go to be until 2am. We had to wake up at 7:30 the following morning. Not so fun. But, you do what you must. I mean, vacationing and enjoyment is tiring.

The following day, we traveled to see the inside of Chenonceau and Amboise - it was only interrupted by a cheese and wine tasting in the Cave of Duhard near Amboise. It was ridiculously delicious. We only tried one varietal of wine (Vouvray from three time periods - two yrs old, ten yrs old, and 40 yrs old) with three types of cheese (bleu, comte, and chevre). I brought two bottles, one as a gift to my host family, and the other for myself! We, then, had free time for lunch and a visit to Clos Luce - the house of Leonardo da Vinci. The town of Amboise is the complete expression of the adjective quaint! The fortress castle provided a magnificent view of the Loire river and valley. We returned to "our Chateau" and had two hours of free time.

I walked to the Cher to sit and stare at the clear flowing river. I sat near a levee of the river. It reminded me of Vietnam and the river that I would stare at after dinner last summer. It was so perfectly clear. At the levee, the river picked up speed because of the different surface area beneath it. But, it created a rapid pace that really just pulled at me. 20 feet upstream, it was only lazily moving forward, but at the levee system, it rushed, pushed, and erupted so forcibly onward. Only to settle back to its previous pace about 40 feet downstream. I saw fishes that were in this area of the river. And it seemed very tiring to remain still. Being a fish is constant work. There's none of this idea of just allowing oneself to float aimlessly. Just follow the river (my ass!). They are born into constant motion. They must always deal with it too! Always having to swim, always exerting so much force to maintain control. To establish life means constantly working against the flow of the river. ....I felt like a fish.

I stared into the undulating river and felt dizzy, I'd be a really bad fish.

That night, we had another 3 hour dinner with 4 courses at the chateau. Servings were very modest but just enough. Very European! I sat next to our professor (Katchadorian) and was able to participate in good conversation all evening long. By the way, alcoholic sorbets are ridiculously good! It felt excessive. But, I have been wallowing in excesses this entire quarter. So, why complain now right? I only have 6 weeks of this left anyway. I might as well enjoy my youth.

Again, I had another non-alcoholic night of talk in my room with friends. I didn't sleep until 2am again. The castle was so much more personable at night. I can't put my thumb on it. Perhaps it was its lighted prominence being enveloped by the caresses of the dark surrounding forest. Knowing that it's been here for the last five hundred years just made it so much fuller, so much more round! It ballooned with context. A ballooning that gave it life and intensity, Yet at the same time, a sublime subtlety.   Very late that night, we walked outside to look at the stars. They shown just as they had five hundred years ago. With the wind gently brushing through the trees around us and through us, I felt very alive and subdued.

We packed our stuff into the bus sunday morning and left to Chambord. This hunting castle was my favorite. It is surrounded by 11,000 acres of hunting grounds - now turned public parks. The exterior was completely stunning. The interior less so. Again, so much history in this place. I'll just leave it to your imagination. Tangentially, our tour guide was this very nice woman that spoke slowly and enunciated like it was her job. She did a great job. Only if I could really pay attention.

We had lunch at the hotel de Chambord next to the chateau. It was, again, really upscale, but nonetheless, delicious.   We had Loire valley pike! Deliciousness indeed. Afterwards, it was our chance for physical fun. We could either row or bike. I biked. John bought a bottle of wine. We biked around the castle grounds, found a great place to sit, and drank. It was perfect. My other friends "accidentally fell" into the water with their swimsuits. They had fun. But, I think I had more fun. It was so nice. If my allergies weren't so bad, I would have rolled around in the grass and wholeheartedly frolicked.

To recap:
Chenonceau - elegant, feminine
Amboise - formidable, gritty
Chambord - fantastical, surreal

But like Nelly Furtado said, "all good things come to an end." We got back to Paris around 8pm on Sunday. I had dinner with my host family as we watched the elections results and after show. But, I'll leave discussion of the elections to another post. I feel like I've exhausted you. So, I'll stop.

I'm gonna post my pictures very soon! Just click on the link on the right panel.

A bientot.

Clear clear blue sky...

2007-04-19T01:44:00.001+02:00

today it twas.

As I was walking in the Tuilerie, the sky was just so fiercely bright. The flowers are blooming unabashedly, well.. actually very pretentiously. As if they're self aware of their own splendor. Plus, as the whole, the entire gardens was a very unapproachable, abstractly and legally. Guards are there to maintain the teeming crowds of gawkers. The arrogance is a tad disgusting for me, but the aesthetics sometimes is enough for me to overlook its evil. Which makes me aware at how bad it is for be to be forgiving to such things. Damn my fickle inconstant self. Too bad, I don't really want to change too much now. I'm okay with my inconsistencies. They make me special. Plus, it takes away the burden of conviction. I'm paradoxical enough to almost justify anything!

And so, I superfluously digress.... (just like the usage of that word.)

But now, it's over. I apologize. I walked through the entire Ile St Louis yesterday. It was very windy and nippy... not chilly. But, overall enjoyable. I read some French and then some Laclos. Les Liaisons Dangereuses is tedious. Very very long and tedious. I guess that was the point. I re-watched "Cruel Intentions" or for the French "Sex Intentions." Needless to say, it was interesting. And Sarah Michelle Gellar, she's a petite girl but damn! she has really huge, huge eyes. Reese Witherspoon was dry.

I also went to l'Opera Garnier yesterday to see Cendrillon (Cinderella) by Nureyev. Though not utterly spectacular, it was very enjoyable. First off, this opera house is way (over the fence down the river and into China) overdone. It's Rococo gone crazy - it's like... imagine how a "fat kid loves cake." now, imagine that while this fat kid was in his prime age for the eating of cakes, he develops acute diabetes. But, adhering to the justice of childhood, he is granted by his tooth fairy a day to eat anything he wants without consequence. Now, imagine the kid rolling around in layers and layers of cake - stuffing his face in the process. Now, for the hell of it, pour crude oil on him and sprinkle in lots of sparkly diamonds (say he also developed a taste for oil and diamonds as well). The opera house would feel like that.

There is a thematic motif to this post, bear with me now.

Second, the ballet was very playful and creative. It was set in 1950's Hollywood. And had a modern twist at the end. The dancing was ballet twinged with lots of contemporary elements. I liked it. It was a good way to start the night. Some of us got some beer afterwards. I tried my first white beer last night at an overpriced bar. It was good. It was wheat instead of barley. I was hungry, so, it didn't take much. I got home, ate a late dinner at midnight and wen to bed. Glorious indeed.

Last week, we had our welcome dinner at a small cous cous restaurant in the 10th. Then we all wanted to go this a club on the Champs because we got free ticks. Only Grace and I got it. It was mildly fun. I got home very late because the Noctilien is slow and sucks.

On Friday, I went and drank at the Eiffel tower. Boy was I in for a surprise! It sparkles at the hour. It was incroyable! Some french wannabes dropped by to give us the words up the streets yall. They were "gansta for life man." That was probably even more enjoyable than the sparkling tower. They meant well. They were just starved for authentic american validation for their exterior existence. Little did they know that being a gangsta is all about being true in the heart. It's all about being real with your hommies. It takes no need of approval, but only a sincere belief of your values and brand of clothing. Plus, we were a bunch of kids from Stanford eating an assortment of chocolates while drinking wine on a picnic cloth. Yeah, we real thug!

Saturday, I went out with partying with my language partner again. Now, this time with Grace's language partner as well. It was fun. I started with dinner with John at a Thailandais restaurant near the Pantheon. Then, we went to this really cool irish pub called the Bombardier right across from St. Etienne-du-Mont. It was very genial. Then, we went to a rock club that I forgot the name of then we went to Triptik. I want to go back to the rock club... someday... prob. the following week.

So, that's been my week so far. For all the time I didn't account for, insert "Tri sitting by the Seine reading or staring into the water listlessly or both." Now you've completely experienced my last week.

Back to the motif, I'm going to the Loire valley this weekend and staying in a castle, having boat tours with dinners, and touring other castles. Superfluous?

Enough said.

Creme Caramel and Art

2007-04-12T00:55:00.000+02:00

The former to eat and the latter to digest.

For those who know my penchant for midnight hunger, you should be proud that I've refrained almost completely from this hobby. But, help me god if I had to go turkey. I like it with warm mashed potatoes. And creme caramel has become that mashed potatoes substitute. So, a delicious cup of this taters sustains me through the long cold Parisian nights.

But, enough! with this eating business. I've been cooking a lot nowadays. I finally finished my half kilo of beef I bought on Friday on Monday night. I got it from a meat shop near Denfert-Rochereau. Real fresh and unbelievable tender and sweet. I'm meant to be in Europe - this is only another divine sign. But, I had dinner with my host family's son and his friends yesternight. He steamed some shrimp dumplings, fried some eggrolls, and sauted some beef and onions for the rice that I cooked.

It was the first time in a long while that I was really quiet at dinner unwillingly. I could only look on and perk up my ears to their very quick talk. I hated it. I felt so mute! And it involved so much straining and concentration. It wasn't worth it while eating. I can't multitask very well - so, I picked one. I think you know which one. But, it was cool to be in the middle of real French young adults - be it that they were all about two years older than me, I still felt pretty equal. I did speak though - however, it was merely to assert to them that indeed I wasn't mute and dumb. But, I don't think I delivered the second adjective.

Today, I am officially an "art history student." Doubt me not for I have a card to prove it - Louvre certified too. I don't know how I feel about this art history thing. I don't know if we really both want the same things in this relationship. I think I need to have a "sit down" with art history and explain to it what I'm looking for and if it's okay with it.

"I'm only here for a short time and I just want to have some fun. I don't think I can commit. It's too much to ask from me. I can't see myself with you in the long run - say ten years down the line. I just don't think we would be happy then. And think about the logical things, I just don't think we could support each other. But, don't let that stop us from spending this wonderful time together now. I really like being with you. And even if it's for another 8 weeks. It's something that I'll always have fond memories of. So, I hope you can understand me and that we can still keep this up."

Now, I just have to memorize this and have the conviction to deliver it when the time comes.

I finished Manon Lescaut today. I really loved the tragically beautiful ending scene. Two passionate and fucked-up lovers next to each other in a vast field of flowing grass in the wildness of 18th century New Orleans... one naked and the other dead. Very plaintively sweet and perfect. It was the most Romantic element in this novel - the return to the nature to love and to die. I couldn't get my eyes off of the book in the end. I finished it walking up to the glass pyramid at the Louvre courtyard. All in all, I want to be fucked up.

When I was done with the novel, I looked up and Bam! That huge contemporary glass structure being embraced within the outstretched arms of classical Louvre. It was so conflictingly raw! But, it was such a kind consolidation of the archaic with the sterile nouveau. After Manon and the I.M. Pei, I was put into a mild trance of Romantic grandeur ... something I am usually very fond of.

Alors, I think that's all for now.

"... you were the last high."
(the Dandy Warhols)

"Paque-nique"

2007-04-09T15:35:00.000+02:00

Pun-tastic! (brought to you by Lily)

That's what I did yesterday for Easter... among many other things.

I was suppose to wake up early on Sunday so that I could go to the 11:30am mass at Notre Dame. As early as that is, I still woke up late. 10:15am isn't enough time to shower and to break night fast - since I haven't mastered the art of eating whilst asleep. So, I got to the cathedral at around 11:35am. Both David and Lindsey were late as well. All the seats were taken by the time we got there. We had to stand on the sides with tourist walking around the perimeter of the church - snapping pictures and stepping in front of us to peer at the mass. The choir was amazing. I really liked the pieces that they performed. And hot-diggity! The organ was great - bloodcurling, mysterious, and wrathful, and ever so ephemeral. During communion, the choir did this really dissonant piece that was perfect because 1. it was beautifully written and performed and 2. communion in France is so freaking disorderly. There is no format, no plan, pure chaos. There were so many spectators in the crowd that we didn't know who to follow and if it was even a line at all! But, David did receive his sacrament. Then, the mass was ended with the soothing words of "please exit quickly through both doors on the sides because the following group is coming in now for the next mass" by the Monseignor. Damn! They were pumping the public in and out like a theater company - probably faster too. You got your spiritual ration for today, now SCRAM!

So, we did.

Then, we had our picnic in Parc de Monceau. It was a glorious day for partaking in such things. We had brought lots of baguettes, cheeses, meats, creme de canard, fruits, and chocolates. The sun was perfectly lazy, gently caressing, and very aware of the meandering breeze that weaved through our picnic area. It was cool to just eat and relax with new friends.

I thought for a few minutes I had lost my wallet. That caused me to panic and become unease. But, equilibrium was re-established when I found it in another fold of my messenger bag. And then, the day was better because I had NOT lost my wallet.

Following our somnolent picnic (bread makes you sleepy), I followed Sarah and Lily to an English bookstore, Shakespeare and something.... We were lost in it for a while. It was kept by an older man with his daughter - both English. And there was a cat and crowded shelves and books everywhere. It was excellent. We then walked through along the Seine onto Ile de St. Louis. I got some citron gelato and my friends browsed through lots of jewelry shops. Then, we ended at the bridge connecting St. Louis to Ile de Cite. Just relaxing. I actually sauntered today. Even though tourist were abounding, we managed our own peace about us. Sarah was then ambiguously "hit" upon by a man in his mid-thirties who was accompanied by his parents. Very awkward indeed. We left shortly after.

I went to La Monge after this for Easter dinner at Aisha's apartment. It was great. I had wanted to bring a rotisserie rabbit, but oddly enough most charcuteries were closed on Easter. So, I just bought an assortment of pastries. The rabbit got away. It was a hecka nice apartment and we all felt like adults having a dinner party and talking.

We then went to a hookah bar named "Sahara" near Odeon. And we wallowed in smoke for the next two hours before I left for home. What I got from this... I like talking to Grace.

Saturday: I woke up, ate breakfast, went to Montmartre and Sacre-Coeur, hung out with Micheal+Lindsey+David, had dinner with Alex, drank with Lev, and went out dancing at Sanz Sans with Stanford kids. It was good.

Friday: I woke up late, ate breakfast, read at the Eiffel tower, found the market, made dinner by myself, had beer near Les Halles, played pool and beer pong at the 5th bar on Mouffetard with Jin+John+Grace, went home very drunk.

So, that's enough eh? Cuz, that's all I got for now.

I'll be back soon.

"Apres moi, il n'y a rien."

2007-04-06T12:39:00.001+02:00

A twist of Madame de Pompadour, but all the same.

After this rather long hiatus, I want to pick things up again. At least for a little while. This being abroad thing is really making me think and stuff again. So, with my little fragments of thoughts that swish around in my head, I bring to you this thing... my blog.

So, Paris. I'm here.

I went to a club last night. It was free for international students last night. Being an international student now, I was compelled to go. Free was more compelling actually since I've been spending a barrel of money everyday. I got to cut back before I run out of money buying barrels.

Le Mix: It played different types of music - just to qualify its name. Free is synonymous to very crowded. But, all in all, I had a blast. I haven't been dancing for a long time and it was nice to do it without being ridiculously wasted or acutely sober. I found a nice medium. On the by and by, I was approached by this girl who looked like she had been on a trip for the last two days. She asked me if I had 'x'.

Spanish girl: really?
me: nope.
Spanish girl: (looks around anxiously) are you sure you don't have 'x'?
me: (laughingly) no. Sorry. (pause) oh, good luck in trying to find some.

Lily also had the same problem.

I left around 1:20am-ish. I walked home from the Gare Montparnasse to my home in the 14th. It was a brisk walk. I should have enjoyed more of the night. My family is now away for their Easter break. away for the entire next week. So, I'm home alone. It's like having an apartment in Paris to myself. It's nice. I made some brunch today and am now anticipating a day to wander the streets to buy some foods for tonight's dinner.

I'll rewind sometime in the future. But, I don't want to now. It would involve too much digging. I did a good enough job burying and moving on... I don't want to undo it just yet.

Maybe I'll go read in the Tuileries today.

Perchance....

Sinewy humanity against NATURE

2005-05-16T20:22:00.000+02:00

What a fight! It's gone on for decades. We poison little by little, while "she" kills buckets-full at a time. But, for strict analytical purposes, I narrowed this war into two poems by Coleridge for comparison.

So...that's where you can get my title. Oh, speaking of titles. The last title is also the title of an awesome song by "Oasis."

"...Little by little,
I gave you everything you ever dreamed of. "

and the rest of the lyrics is good too.

But yeah....There have been lots to do recently. I have two big research project/papers to finish soon. I also have an English paper due next week. It really isn't that bad. But - I was kinda freaking out a bit....All in due time, things will be done.

I had Relay for Life this last Saturday. Thanks to everyone who donated money. From our dorm team of 11 people. We raised over $2k. And compositely covered over 200 miles over 24 hours. There were so many punk bands that performed! And they all looked the same - haha - all going for the same look. They mostly seemed like really sincere kids. I got to talk to some. I guess it's kinda like living on the verge of a threshold when you're a young band. So Relay for Life - It was harsh though. But, for the most part, I had fun. I wish I got more sleep. Then, I wouldn't have felt so sick at the end. I had a 6am walk shift and I was counting the minutes until the hour was over. My head and feet were pounding simultaneously. And the loud movie only added to the pain. But, otherwise, I enjoyed everything. I did wish that it was more publicized. Not very many people were there. And only a few actually committed to the 24 hour thing. So I end with - my tent was really mildewy.

I went to the Big Dance last friday. It was big and had lots of live bands playing. It was enjoyable. I wished Olivia wasn't in Sacramento for a competition. I think it would have been more fun with a forced partner. (joke...followed by forced laughter) But, yep, it was very nicely done. I heard Vienna Tang for the first time - also live. She was good.

The weekend before:
Fri - something I forgot....
Sat - Went to an Artspan event to see kids that didn't have an arts program at their school perform. Helped out with Nick M. Then went with him to the Stanford POW-WOW. Was mildly disapointed. Got some fried bread. That was okay. Visited the "Angel of Grief" and the Cactus Garden on campus. Feet hurt. Saw Stanford Taiko perform that night - missed meeting with friend because over-napped. Went home and watched movie. I saw "Far from Heaven" and "Farewell my Concubine." They were good.
Sun - worked on stuff, saw Stanford Talisman acapella group. Long, but good.

And know I must get to some working.

Thanks to the previous comments. I appreciate them. You can even tell me who you are, previous anonymous.

I think I'm ready to end my Frosh college experience.

Little by Little.

2005-04-24T00:02:00.000+02:00

I'm starting to get it. Whatever that could ever mean....

This quarter is so forward going. There are quite a few performances that I want to see left in the quarter. Stanford has this really big "POW-WOW" thing every year with lots of Native-American groups convening for a big festival. I look forward to it a lot. There's also this dance thing our dorm and others are doing on a boat soon floating around in the San Francisco Bay. It should be amusing. I'm also involved with relay for life again this year. So, it should be immensely fun. We just need a good turn-out. It sure does seem like very thing just depends on a good turn-out. The faceless masses are so necessary. AHA! This is the purpose of a surplus of population!!! Why didn't I think of this before? (hahah....I hope you, the intelligent reader, can sense my sarcasm) But yeah....

Lots to do... to say the least.

I'm also doing Stanford Admit Weekend. I guess I'm gonna be a summer camp counselor/helper for at least a weekend. Because, everyone knows Stanford is super-uber-fun. Haha. Pile maybe two feet of work on top of that fun though. It's all good. I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't.

AHHHHHH! I love the Romantic Period! More so everytime I get back into it. I think I might never "grow" out of this period. *audible sigh* I should grow up though. But....ahhhhhhhh......Wordsworth....Coleridge.....Keats......

Poetry is really giving me a boost.

Jumping around again. I saw some movies this weekend. I saw a Chinese "chick-ish" flick - "So Close" - the girls had such fine hair...........pause..... and "The Day After Tomorrow." I should try to finish "Shawshank."

Tonight, being a Saturday night, I should come out of my hole and do something fun. I am going to this Japanese Culture event tonight with Olivia, my beloved rowing Frenchie! But, I want to have some fun too. Haha. I wish I had gone out for dinner last night with someone.....

I talked to an Emily from San Francisco last night. It was rather random....Just kinda talked in the hallway about how Stanford Life is quite "unsavoring" and even "depressing." We're such hopeful, optimistic people.

Wow, my writing is going down the latrine. I should do better. Now, it's just me blabbering....blab....blab...blab...

So, I'll let you go.....

Or you don't have to. I also have other methods of communication too.

I leave you with a great Chinese proverb:
"Money is good."

Do think about it.... it's a toughie.

Here are some random thoughts from Tri:

draw groups suck, friends are so elusive, NO ONE KNOWS ANYONE, people can't commit, "Why do birds suddenly appear?"........

I need to write more often....

2005-04-19T09:41:00.000+02:00

Here's an interim message.

I'm feeling better about "things" in general. I think I'm getting better about this entire thing about extricating myself from people and events...mostly people. I'm moving in the correct direction...methinks. I'm learning to be less "intense" with people. But, on the flip side, I'm getting more and more alone. I guess alone-ness comes with indepedence. I guess that I (personally) can't be a people person and always be happy. Especially when I expect so much out of things. Especially when I feel like I give out too much.

My criterion is reciprocity and boy is it hard. It's SO hard. So, I've lowered my exertion so that the reciprocation is lower and more do-able. Basically, I've lowered all relationships to almost just acquaintance. Everything else that I thought moved beyond acquaintanceship just didn't make the cut. It didn't hold up. And I seriously think I don't want to be the only one that is doing all the holding. Hence, I'm letting it fall to mere cursory friends. It's funny how you can feel so damn alone when you attend a university.

It is so true: No one knows anyone else. (well, at least to me)

Now, I'm just holding on to the pillars of past friendships. I do hope they stand the erosion of time. But, again...I feel like I'm the only one holding on. I guess I'm not really to let these pillar fall....yet.... The day when I do finally give in, I guess then I would be finally ready to lead a more individually satisfying life. Then, I can really work on being happy and alone...

Hmm.....there's just something about me.

Or am I being too DAMN impatient? I wish I could get an answer.

People just cut me off.... it seems like the natural thing to do. If I don't put out, I get put off.

I think I'm gonna just have to deal with that.

Eventually, I have to.

Alone too.

HA.

ARGH! Long Pause.....

2005-04-09T19:11:00.000+02:00

I shall start off with an apology for my tardiness in updating this thing. So, I am quite sincerely sorry if I've been a disappointment to your idle eyes. But, do not dispair for I have much to say in the course of the next few blog entries.

Basic run through - got through with finals the week before spring break and hated everyone and everything when I was finished; it was one hell of a week - had pizza at California Pizza Kitchen - relatively different and interesting - mushrooms and peking duck....; drove to grandparent's walled community home in Orange County relatively fast with Tenoch and Riaz; stayed with grandparents and visited relatives for a very slow week; hair cut; finished East of Eden; wrote scathing cathartic letter; saw regular TV; slept; ate too much; grandma thinks I'm too skinny - always will; went to a nice art museum with cousin and her boyfriend - Gettys; went to beach and was cold; drove home through the rain; enjoyed the California Valley along the FIVE; confused about classes for a week; signed up and attended 25 hours of class the first week; working 10 hrs a week; planned for ASES summit; hosted ASES summit; had Chinese delegate live with me for over a week; went crazy with work from ASES; planned and did lots of work; have lots of essays to write;......paused for a breath......; saw Closer; growing farther away from people; confronted and negotiated; still in a limbo-ish state; no time to think more; think lost a friend - not sure; went to Stanford Community Day; met cool grad student here from Cornell; entered a mausolem; saw big cacti; saw and jumped and got excited about big and beautiful banana peel; need to write two essays by Tues; need to fill out applications; need to sleep; ....need to enjoy life

....need to chill out; need to relax; need to quit thinking too much; need to stop being too "intense"; need to pick draw group; need to be happy; need to be involved; need to be more focused; need to be smarter; need to exercise; need to give advice and comfort people; need to be comforted.....

< << sighs >> >

why? ......

need to stop over-analyzing and making long "need" list.

So, there you have it. (it wasn't that bad) I'll muse on specific events on following posts.

2005-03-18T00:41:00.000+01:00

Afterwards....the closer group.

2005-03-18T00:39:00.000+01:00

This was our group of people at the formal.

2005-03-18T00:36:00.000+01:00

In front of Spalti after food.... Missing no one.

2005-03-18T00:33:00.000+01:00

This was us before we got food. Missing Gene.

2005-03-18T00:32:00.000+01:00

This was at Spalti with friends and food. It was before we started eating. Missing - Ellora.

Intense Sun.....Engulfing Clouds

2005-03-13T01:45:00.000+01:00

This next week is finals week. I'm lucky enough to have four three hour long finals in three consecutive days ending on Friday. AHHHHHH! I do intend to survive this. But, everyone insist that it will be horrible. I feel confidant until the people around me panic. But yeah.....

Nothing really happening lately. Today I saw a Merce Cunningham performance with John Cage-ish music. All improvisation and experimentation. The dancers were really good (and ethnically representative - there was one Japanese and one part Black). Now, the sky outside is covered in a nice thick layer of clouds after a yesterday of scary intense sunshine. I'm listening to T.A.T.U. Wow, it really pulls up back into the past. But, so different.

I'll be going to Orange County for spring break. I'll be staying with my grandparents for a week. I hope that somehow I'll get access to a car. That would be nice. Yesternight, instead of going to party, I ended up laying on the ground in the Quad by myself. A quiet solitude. There were many a stars last night. I failed to spot the moon. Which was odd. I had a pulsating headache all day because of work and a lack of sleep. But, I saw two movies. An old Colin Firth/Ruppert Everett movie and an almost ancient Derek Jarman film. An interesting combo. I recommend Jarman to all people who enjoy low-budget arthouse movies and being shocked at complete bluntness with nudity. (I saw the religious one...and it was enough)

Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday. I and my friends (notice that I take precedence) went to a nice (really nice) Italian restaurant (Spalti) and blew about 150. But, the atmosphere was great and the food was good. But, sadly, I was sad during the event even though I was happy because I was with friends. I guess I was thinking of long run stuff. How things don't tend to be anything but fleeting events. But, I left happy.

Then, I got back to the dorm to get ready for the highly anticipated "Frosh formal" (also known as Freshmen formal) - not really anticipated at all actually. Just kinda went. In the process of getting ready, I got really "floaty." We piled into Andrea's car and got there while singing crap because we were all "floaty," except the driver of course - she has Mono. So, she couldn't get floaty. Anyhow, we got there and I HAD A BLAST!!!!!

I was much more loose and uninhibited - even more than usual. (Imagine that!) I had fun dancing with lots of people. And there was just a lot of silly giggling and whatnot. But yeah.....then, I saw something that was disconcerting....involving another person I knew holding hands and kissing someone else I didn't know. It didn't really hit me the first time I saw it. But, when my friends got tired and wanted to go home, I stayed back. And then, I just saw it over and over again. And THEN it really hit home. and it hit hard.....

So I ended the night by walking home alone and laughing at myself the entire length for being stupid and always prone to sadness. I laughed. and laughed. and laughed. I could not stop thinking about this incident. I was absurd. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't believe how affected I was. It was insane. So, I ended up quite thoroughly depressed on the night of my birthday celebration. (then, I couldn't sleep because I was pre-occupied with it) However, I did sleep and it was mellowed out in the morning. It wasn't as intense the following day. However, I've been conditioning myself to avoid it and to devise ways to make it through logically. I don't know if I want a confrontation. hmmmm...... there are many things that could be catalyzed by this. and I don't know if I want to deal with all the by-products of such a confrontation. But, I yearn for it (to an extent).

It's still not resolved. I hate my outward civility at this point in time - during this time of uncertainty. I want to either forgive completely or hate passionately. But, I'm at this limbo - purgatory - and it's driving me NUTz!!!!! I want a final answer. I want to finish this business of relationship now. ARGH!

And if it does terminate (I feel like it will), it would be the second time this year (one per quarter). haha. I gain and lose a seemingly "close" person every quarter. At this rate, I have ten more to go through. OH boy!! So, I started questioning things....do I set myself up for this crap? Am I subconsciously doing this to myself in an act of self destruction? But, NO. I don't want this. I like happiness too. But, it just always happens to unfold in this way. .... Me losing....

But, I think I'm doing really well and I'm getting over it. I've taught myself to cope with it and to accept this loss. I just still get upset at my civility. I want to be straight forward and get pent up emotions out. But, *sighs* there always seems to be a natural mechanism of myself to be in constraint. Whenever I even get close to being completely irrational and frank, I naturally get constrained. So, I put up a face and supposedly "it's all good." But, I know it's not.

I don't even think the other party even notices how I was affected. So, that makes me even more sad. But.......I won't let this get to me. (telling this to myself over and over should help too) haha.

Anyhow, I had a killer English paper last week. And I finished. It was as if I was learning to write again.

But yeah...I saw more performances on campus...two dance concerts. And I got to see a swimmer friend dance after taking a hip/hop class. It was quite amusing. (Hip Hop dance is so popular at Stanford....I wouldn't have guessed) Andrea also danced.

Anyhow, I think that's all for now. I'll post up pictures of the formal soon. And I am still playing phone tag with some friends from home.

Question of think about:
What does a friendship consist of? When is it deemed unnecessary? When do people stop being sincere and instead put on a mask of civility? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Alors, c'est tout.

Oh, I had lots of fun talking to Hunter/Evan. (I took up the advice)

2005-03-09T09:44:00.000+01:00

I really like this happy picture of Alissa, Steph, and me in front of the Chinatown gate. I look so happy....a rarity!!

2005-03-09T09:42:00.000+01:00

This is us (me, Alissa, and Steph) at the really good Chinese restaurant. Happy and full. (unaware that we were gonna be late....not actually)

2005-03-09T09:41:00.000+01:00

This is me making funny faces (or euphemistically - creating expressions) on the Caltrain after a long day of walking and running. I was extremely bored and tired. But, I title this piece quite bluntly as "Confused, Mad, and Shocked."

2005-03-09T09:38:00.000+01:00

Here is one float.

2005-03-09T09:36:00.000+01:00

Looking down California Street towards the parade in procession at night. In the background you can a bridge illuminating in the night.

2005-03-09T09:34:00.000+01:00

Entrance to Chinatown. (with the gates and all)

2005-03-09T09:32:00.000+01:00

Chinatown market in San Francisco during the parade weekend.

2005-03-09T09:30:00.000+01:00

Another very colorful picture of Chinatown SF.

That day again.....

2005-03-02T06:37:00.000+01:00

Well, it's that day again. And it's almost over.

I bit into my pear today and found a worm. I wanted to tape the last piece that I just bit off back on. But, I had already swallowed some earlier pieces. So, I just held it back in its original place while I stood outside in the rain talking to someone two thousand miles away. I went back inside and I threw it away. It lays exposed in my trash can now among some dirty tissues - open and raw.

I want to walk to the lake tonight. To see it being filled. To see it come into its realization. But, I'll probably get more sick. There is no moon tonight. Just clouds. I'll probably not see anything at all. Just a glistening glittering caused by ripples and street lights bouncing their waves off of the surface.

I saw an unraveling today. Randomness unfolding into something disjoint and yet at the same time so connected....so fluid. A fluidity that offers esperance to chaos. I hope to find that.

My day...hmm...how can any day really be anyone's. It only accentuates and emphasizes. Pushes against the contours of life hidden under a cloak of normality that is draped over it - a cover sheet of fabric that smooths over deep contours sharply etched in underneath.

....is almost over.

Long weekend equates to no work.

2005-02-22T09:48:00.000+01:00

This last weekend was so active. I did many-a things.

On Friday...I went to a mud-wrestling frat/sorrority party. One of my friends knew the guy planning the festive event. So, we packed into Andrea's car and got there. We waited....and waited....and waited. Finally at midnight, after the wrestlers got "loosen" up. They came out and mud-wrestled. It was boring after five minutes and I got mud and water on my clothes. Not too much, but enough to get me annoyed. But...the highlight was when a crazy bearded man got on the platform and proceeded to strip and then jumped into the mud. A skinny skrawny mid-aged man. He was obviously really drunk. But, the security came and got him out of the mud and made him put his clothes back on. Then, kicked him out. When we left, I saw him standing under a shadow of a tree in front of the fraternity house head bowed and looking desperately forlorn. As if he was expelled by God from the Garden of Eden. He carried such a desolate look. Such sadness.... I don't know why, but I really symphatized with this drunken man. It seemed so pure. No care for dignity or shame. He just stood outside - under a shadow of a tree caused by a nearby streetlight (obviously for dramatic effect) - solitary and rejected in a slouched posture with a bowed head staring into the ground blacken by night and rain. I was staring back as we walked away.

On Saturday, I went of San Francisco.

Sidenote -
here's a little exerpt from my wonderful high school recounted by a friend who goes there now:

dreaminjuls: some kid had two knives
dreaminjuls: two swords, and he'd wanted to take people out
dreaminjuls: but teachers definitely saw him armed
dreaminjuls: so they were chasing after him
dreaminjuls: as he was running away
dreaminjuls: a kid got in his way
dreaminjuls: so he slashed him
dreaminjuls: the kid had 17 stitches at arlington memorial
dreaminjuls: the security took him down
dreaminjuls: and then clases continued as usual

SERIOUSLY! GEEZ!!! Stupid kids are so damn impressionable. And movies like Kill Bill don't help. WTF!!!

Anyhow, back to SF. I went to SF by myself at 2:30 PM and wandered around Chinatown until Steph and Alissa meet with me at 6 PM. So many ASIANS!!! Wow. There are so many. many.... (I have to emphasis it). I wandered and brought two worthless things because everyone else was doing it. (and I couldn't stop myself) I got myself a lantern and a medal-ish thing. I'll take a pict and post it sometime. But, I saw so many interesting couples along the way. Take a flamboyant fat sloppy asian with a bright-eyed wannabe gangsta. I made me wonder how they came to be. How did that happen? Doesn't it make you think? Then you think about yourself - what will you be? Haha. But, the mentioned couple was walking behind me for a good while and their conversation was even more entertaining. But, yeah.... oh, here's the link to the site of the SF Chinese New Year Parade. Overall, it was really rainy - meaning it was raining on and off the entire time. I had with me a bright blue umbrella so I was content. I found a really awesome playground/park in the middle of the city. It was so great. Haha. Exciting huh? Well, Steph, Alissa, and I didn't really watch the parade. We kinda chased it. The main goal of the night was to eat good Chinese food. So, it was necessary to get to that street. However, the parade blocked everything. We had to follow the entire parade route to get to that street. But, some blocks were completely blocked with people, so we had to circumvent blocks (like three times). So, by that time, we were tired and whatnot, so we stopped to eat at a restaurant and didn't care for the parade.

The food was AMAZING! It wasn't too expensive either. I think the restaurant's name was Oriental Pearl - really nice and formal with good food and relatively inexpensive. So, I was happy. Then, afterward, we thought we would miss our train - hence, we ran to the train station only to discover that there wasn't a 9 PM train on Saturdays. Yeah, sweaty and angry. The Caltrain was also running slower that night. I got back to the dorm at 11:40 PM. I was bummed out. So, I went to bed.

On Sunday, I did nothing except watch the Simpsons.

Monday was a holiday (no school). I went to SF to watch La Mala Educacion by Almodovar. It was exceedingly good. But, it was pretty explicit - artfully explicit, not too vulgar. (the lighting and hues for those scenes were great). Haha, the cinematography was oh-so precise. There were plenty of loaded themes and it was thoughtful. I liked it. You should see it.

I got back at 5 PM and worked until 7 then went to Orgo review session until 8:30 then went to ASES meeting that got cancelled. I missed dinner and was insanely tired. Chem 2nd Midterm was not too satisfactory. English paper was not uplifting. Last Econ midterm was not reflective and also disappointing. I guess right now is a dark period for me. Hmmmm.

I saw Twelfth Night yesternight by Stanford Shakespeare Society. It was really enjoyable. Nice bending of sexuality. Shakespeare really hit the spot.

Okay, tonight I MUST go out and have some fun. OH, it's almost that special day again. I'm sure you know what that means. Hopefully it'll be a nice day. I want to have a nice dinner the following Friday with friends. I won't build any expectations though.

Okay. C'est tout. I'll get back to you later.

2005-02-21T11:22:00.000+01:00

The people who worked to get the thing going. Jason, Steph, Hoa, me, and Olivia - missing Meiyang.

2005-02-21T11:20:00.000+01:00

People eating and stuff.

2005-02-21T11:19:00.000+01:00

Red lucky envelopes with candy.

2005-02-21T11:18:00.000+01:00

REAL rice and chinese sausages.

2005-02-21T11:17:00.000+01:00

Lots of pork dumplings ready for boiling. (pictured only half; also vegetarian ones available)

2005-02-21T11:15:00.000+01:00

Those were sweet dumplings that were made from flour and whole mung beans. Also, mung beans in seaweed and tapioca pearls - in the background.

2005-02-21T11:13:00.000+01:00

This was from the dorm Chinese New Year's party. We made those egg rolls - me and Hoa.

Lots to see.

2005-02-15T00:54:00.000+01:00

This last week Lunar New Year (commonly known to people as Chinese New Year). However, it also encompasses other countries too - regardless of the fact that all asians look alike and are Chinese.

But....anyhow....Our dorm made some food and it was all swanky. We brought food on the previous Sunday and prepared and cooked on Sunday night, Monday night, and Tuesday afternoon and night. We served on Tuesday night. I think I put in a total of about 8-9 hours. INSANE!!!! We made eggrolls, pork dumplings, rice and sausage, sweet dumplings, and mung bean sweet soup (thingie). And there were red envelopes and sweeten tarts - soursop, gourd, and coconut. It was a lot of work - unsurprisingly. But, people were happy and it nice to see that. And it reminded me of New Year stuff at home. So, I'm not really complaining...it just seems like so. Next year, I just want to do it with a small group of friends. Then, we wouldn't have to mass-produce and we could try out more things. It should be fun.

But, other than that. I went to the campus celebration in White Plaza. There were many-a performances - Wu Shu, Lion Dance, Cambodian flower dance, and Vietnamese hat thing. It wasn't spectacular but it had cheap asian food. I like that kinda stuff. Haha....

I plan on going to the San Francisco Chinatown New Year Parade next Saturday with some friends. Now for that - I'm really excited. It's suppose to be one of the top ten parades in the world. So, It better be good. OR ELSE!!! *shakes fist in air in a belligerent manner*

But, other than that.....

On Friday, I went to a piano concert on campus by a really renowned pianist (pee-an-ist, not pee-nist) Thomas Schultz. He played more classic Schubert and Liszt with more contemporary Rzewski and Stockhausen. I was so tired but whatever I did hear when I was awake was really enjoyable and good. It was so precise! and passionate... I also saw "The Virgin Suicides" by Eugenides that night with Libby. It was so strange. Yeah.....just strange and crazy. (my type of movie....haha)

Then on Saturday, I paid $7 to see Vaginas. Meaning I saw the Vagina Monologues. They were also really good. I must applaud the creativity and deliverance of the show. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Afterward, even I appreciated my vagina that I don't have. It was that affective. I just can't imagine someone coming out of a show like that and not like/respect vaginas - or be sexist. But...afterwards, I went to Roble's party by myself to visit Amy. The theme was "Flashy Trashy" and mud-wrestling was available. It was nicely crowded. I had fun. Then I went home and slept at 3:30. Insane!

There were like five other parties that night. OH......I've been sick lately. I still am. Damn the common cold. I feel like crap!!! (notice the triple exclamation points) But, it's getting better. I hope I don't jinx myself. That would be unpleasant to be sick again.

It's a rainy Valentine's Day. It's so great. I like the dark ominous clouds above. I like the wet and drippiness of today. I like the surge of downpour. Roses that are wilting as I type not even lasting half a day. Roses that prick and bleed you. It's all so merry indeed. (Pardon my light skepticism)

But, last night (Sunday) I saw a hip-hop and jazz dance concert hosted by Stanford's DV8. It was really good. I enjoyed it. It had about 6 other groups performing....So many asian dancers. It's CRAZY. craziness. But, I enjoyed it - especially it's progressiveness (take it to mean whatever you want it to mean - hint - nerds, umpa lumpas, and sexuality). It was refreshing.....to say the least....especially the last act. Most people didn't catch it. But I did.

So...this week is my resting week before my second round of midterms. So, I better enjoy it. Hope to enjoy the next week.

A bientot.

L'amour est insensee. BLAH!

Been a while.....

2005-02-06T04:19:00.000+01:00

since I've rambled on this thing.

I need to continue to practice this priceless skill. I've been sitting through many more noticeable silences. I wonder if it's me. Or everyone else around me .... probably the prior.

I been thinking too much lately. Overthinking. Overanalysing. Yet, it's all just a blurb in the end. Nothing more or less. I question than I ponder to nothing. Chasing a tail that seems infinitely out of reach yet so close.

This last week was a lapse for me. As any overworked, overstressed, sleepdeprived student during exam week, I've been just following mechanisms of actions. Just doing steps methodically. Just following the necessary steps along the road of academia and in the process successfully shutting almost everything else out. I commend thee, the intelligentsia. But, I'm not ready to dive into the complete oblivion of pure knowledge. I'm still stupidly clinging... to what?.... I'll figure that out soon.

Call it intuition. instinct. (such a loaded word) Call Falstaff to explicate. (can you create this intrinsic - can you learn instinct? isn't that a direct negation of its identity? Or is identity just another fabrication to define boundaries ... of course words have boundaries..... but why?)

weirdness.

Lately, I've been occupied with identity. With self. Why are memories stringed together? Why bonded together by links that all intertwine and confuse. Why chain together notions and ideas and identities? Sometimes, I want to grap all of these connections and *snip*. . . . Nothing . . . more. No more logical senses. Just autonomous thoughts. No more implicated prejudices through dirty strings of relation. Just pure individual ideas.

A purity. untainted by bonds. free.

But, just as I rant, I do the same things. I can't help it. Then, I despise myself for it. Or I just accept. Is that how it should be? Should I accept as most do implicitly? I think I don't want to. But, what is the alternative? None. everything goes back to connection.

Sometimes, I want to desperately find a tautology. But, of course I know that I won't find it before I even start. I still search. I still find nothing. With the acceptance of a lack of a totality, I polarize to the other extreme.

I resonate. Sometimes to quickly. In the best sense of resonance too. I blink. I relay.

Do I want to?

I'm asking to many questions. Or am I? ARGH!!!!!

I might as well interject historical occurences now. Otherwise, I just forget things.

Last weekend I did nothing. I watched Hero again. I drifted. I'm drifting. I feel like I'll continue to drift. Where to? I'll just wait to find out. But, last week I had my first organic chem midterm. Then, I turned in my first essay in literature. Henry IV. I'll have econ monday. Then, I'll just jump back into the cycle of normalcy again. That's it. Nothing more except hours upon hours of my thoughts. meandering thoughts. ephemerally sound thoughts. Sound for links. crazy by itself.

I did listen to the Spoken Word Collective yesternight. It was good. I enjoyed that. More so than I would imagine. I was glad I went.

poesie. . . . . tu es trop contente. Je veux etre comme vous. Mais non....

Enough for now.

Conflicted?

(does this word come to mind?)

Ha.

Crazy Saturday

2005-01-24T03:43:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was hell.

So much more tiresome than a regular day. Let's see....I got up at 8 and went to work (of the official type) from 9-11 am. I ran back and had a quick lunch. Ran back to the quad to hear a keynote speaker on activism in society. It was good. He really chained everything together. It was sad to listen to though. So many things not pretty and nice. It makes me realize how much of a realist I am with an optimist right under the surface. Halfway through, a post-middle age man with a US Navy sweatshirt on stands up and makes a big scene. "That's full of shit." - methinks that's the exact wording. And stomps out in a hissy fit. It was so very absurd. If you know me, I couldn't help myself from bursting out in laughter. It was so childlike. In a grown bearded man. O-So-Sad. Oh well. What can you do?

Afterwards I ran back to start reading my Shakespeare.

...had dinner. Went to see a dorm-mate, Jason, compete in Stanford's men gymnastic opens. I was very chaotic but very highly-energetic. I had fun. Jason won third overall individual. That was good. Then, I ran home. I changed into my drunk prom outfit and biked to Dance Marathon.

*Dance Marathon is a philanthropy event in which the participants pledge to party for 24 hours in the name of a cause. 250 student participants will stay awake and on their feet for twenty-four hours in an effort to symbolize both the mental and physical challenges faced by children suffering from AIDS. At the event, there will a variety of activities and student performances to keep dancers entertained and inspired for all 24 hours. This is Stanford's first Dance Marathon - proceeds will benefit the Elizabeth Glaser AIDS Pediatric Foundation. Space is limited to 250 dancers, so Register Now! *

I didn't do 24 hours but, I did 4 as a Moraler. (from 9pm-1am)

*Moralers are responsible for supporting and motivating dancers throughout the TWENTY FOUR HOUR Dance Marathon. They are enthusiastic, caring, and not afraid to have fun! They lend their support by dishing out tons of encouragement, joining in on activities, and of course, partaking in a little dancing. *

I did a lot of dancing. I was a bit crazy. (more so than usual) I also had fun. But, I wore hard dress shoes and danced in them for four hours. Last night was no fun for my feet. My entire body felt broken. I went to bed at about 3 last night. I was waiting for a call. ..... It did finally come. But, I was so bummed out.

So, today....being Sunday....I had to do lots of homework. I also worked today. I filled in for someone. Then I went to Lake Lagunita with Chris. I had fun. So, now I'm looking forward to Simpsons at 8pm.

so very tired.....so very sad.....

Today I saw a very sad tree. It was dead with dry moldy branches staggering into its surrounding. Jagging into the pale blue sky and piercing into the lush green grass all around it. Being awkward. Looking forlorn. Sad......me. Furthermore, it was broken and fell to the ground. It arched into the ground again. Falling back to where it came from. A leaf-less stark creature stagnant agains a temperate background - from golden death to vibrantly verdant life.

Am I too obsessed with the utterly desolate? Chris thinks so.

Anyhow, Friday was busy too. I worked until 6pm. Then I don't remember what else happened that night. Just that I was sad. (hmm...this is a reoccuring motif)

Well, don't know what else to say. (I probably do, but not on the top of my head.) So, this is when I know I should stop.

I still haven't received an answer. (Not really expecting one though).

*sighs*

2005-01-17T11:36:00.000+01:00

Our French group during break. Lovely Kathy, Goofy Kyle, Melancholic Tri, Artsy Whitney, Quiet Joel, Precise Skye. .... the rest are also from break.

2005-01-17T11:33:00.000+01:00

The crazy ol' gang. Missing alot of people. Missing parts of people. Missing.....a completeness. Missing or loss? In time I guess I'll know.

2005-01-17T11:31:00.000+01:00

Me and sterile Dallas.

2005-01-17T11:30:00.000+01:00

Me and Reny at DMA during break. I had lots of fun with a good friend. I got to ride my first trolley. Ha....food was nice in retrospect.

Three Day Break

2005-01-17T10:57:00.000+01:00

Two weeks done.

I finished the second week with more problem sets and a French test. How exciting! So, now I'm reading more Shakespeare and doing stuff. It's 2 in the morning right now. So....I might not be the most coherent person. But, that's okay.

The dense sky is letting off. I went to the lake last night by myself. The stars were quite brilliant and the crescent moon added a very modest touch to the overall panoramic. The lake actually had some water in it. A little more than a puddle. After sitting on a pole by the lake for about an hour thinking, I went dancing with friends. No booze though. Always none. Hahaha....I don't even know what type of drunk I am. But, I'll find out soon enough with Maren. It's coming up......

Remember my balloon of happiness? Well, it died. Nothing but a hanging sack of rubber now. Dangling......rather unmajestically from my window with its brother, the black balloon of unhappiness - which is still inflated. My roommate is asleep.

I'm totally by myself this weekend - it seems like. Maybe soon enough, I'll just get used to it. I'll grow to expect nothing more. Accept the fate that after all, I'm still doomed to eternal soledad. Then, things will just happen. No more wasteful hoping and waiting. Just realistic spending of time. I have a microwave now.

I want it to rain and thunder. I want it to pour and scream. I want to feel nature. I need it.

Argh!

Just a passivity now. Just a re-occurence of things in its monotomy. I got a job at the library. Now I smile to strangers more often and more methodically - the generic. Sometimes I want to jump across the counter and get into someone's face and shout at them for their banality. Just yell at their insipidness. Force them back into a meaning. Rather than prod through a listless life devoid of veracity. I guess I like my job. I see more of my professors. I get to see more books. I get to be by myself.

I strikes me that I need someone to attach to.

MLK is this week. I get another day at home/dorm. When will it be synonymous? Never? I don't know. No more safety net of mom and dad home. Just me standing. Just wandering. Itinerant. Inquirer? Forager? meandering.......

I'm actually for most of the time happy. I think I have found what I'm looking for. Just waiting for it to come about successfully. But, knowing me, it's not gonna be any easy. Complication is most closely related to me. I need to just ....... I don't even know most of the time. If you could only tell me.

So, it does come off quite clearly that I'm doing too much thinking. I probably just need more things to do so that I'll be pre-occupied and not think as much. My eternal curse.
(the irony of words......curse and cures.....one simple inversion)

same as service and servitude - just one extra syllable. just one more utterance. just one extra second. All the difference of the world. The humour of humanity and its creations.
(this is from Hythloday of Thomas More - how I sympathize wi'thee)

Show me an answer that worked for you.

2005-01-08T01:37:00.000+01:00

Me at the dunes. (squinty eyed and funny haired)

2005-01-08T01:36:00.000+01:00

I think this is a great picture. A pensive solitude against a background of majestic nature.

2005-01-08T01:00:00.000+01:00

birds on the dune - pelicans, methinks

2005-01-08T00:59:00.000+01:00

me and birds.... (I scared them away ....rather, I scared them into flying)

2005-01-08T00:58:00.001+01:00

beach sunset...

2005-01-08T00:58:00.000+01:00

more beach...

2005-01-08T00:57:00.000+01:00

Guadelupe Beach - taken by my Uncle.

ME BAK!

2005-01-08T00:26:00.000+01:00

Indeed. Tri is back.

It has been a very long hiatus. But December was way too busy. Oh well. Many things needed to be done and what-not (exams, flying back and forth, home, friends, family, the whole escargot!) occured. But, finishing this first week of back to school has given me some time again. Time as in extra free time. So, I'll try to fill in the blanks.

I did moderately well for my first quarter. I guess I had fun. But, after exams ended and other things happened, I was really ready to go home into a deep hibernation. Which I did. It was good. I had time away to think through things in the regularity of home. I lost five pounds first quarter and gained it all back over break. That happens when you sleep for about 11 hours a day and all you do is eat and read. And I did a lot of it. I'm also less tanned. My mom was happy that she could make me fatter and paler. But, now I'm back and I'm ready to get darker and lose weight because of my laziness for eating. So.....the journey continues.

I actually got back on the day school started (Tuesday). However, I didn't know that it was Tuesday - it was still Monday in my head. (leave it up to me to forget something like that) I was ready for a Monday. But, lo-n-behold, it was Tuesday. However, I didn't miss a single class. It was kinda interesting that the supershuttle that I was on only had Texan passengers. I meet an econ grad student, a singing tennis player and a field hockey girl. It was indeed quite variegated.
But, I'm back to the old grind of classes and work. I'm doing English, Econ, French, and Orgo. I'm quite excited about the organic. I'm in my comfort zone again. So, much to do and look forward to.

This weekend was actually supposed to our snow/ski trip to Lake Tahoo. Sadly, Stanford's risk management department cancelled all ski trips due to big snow storm at Tahoo. (I didn't even know Stanford had one of those.) So, I get to sit in my dorm instead. YAY!!!! Can't you just feel my excitement. I'm brimming. You should come see me.

But, yeah.....for Thanksgiving - big flashback - I went to So Cal to visit my grandparents. It was also extremely family-filled. But, I ate alot of food and got some stuff. So it was good. I drove down with a dorm mate and up with my Uncle Huan. We went along the 101 and saw some pretty awesome landscape. We took a detour and stopped by the Guadelupe Sand Dunes on the Pacific beach. It was quite stunning to view. I'll post the pictures.

In Arlington, I got to see most of my good friends. I just hope we don't continue to drift apart. With some people, I feel like it's never gonna be the same again. Which makes me sad. Hmmm.... But, I did have fun. So, I guess that's what really counts.

Well, I don't know what else to say for now. Oh, I'm getting to know someone really well. And I'm really liking the person. I think this friendship might be a good sticker. It's something for me to look forward to. I'm excited. And the good part is that I pretty sure the feeling is reciprocal. I've had enough of these things when I am the only one putting out the effort. It's nice to have it returned.

So with this good note, I bid thee reader adieu. Je m'en vais. I'll be back soon.

2004-11-20T07:12:00.000+01:00

This pict was also from orientation. This is a Stanford thing called fountain-hopping. We literally jump in fountains (there are many) around campus late at night and play in the water. (John got sick. Then, I got sick from him.)

2004-11-20T07:09:00.000+01:00

This is a really old pict during the week of orientation. These are the freshmen in our dorm. I

2004-11-20T07:06:00.000+01:00

The black and white group. John, me, Kirsten, Maren, Stephanie, Allison, Ellora, Libby, Chimlum, Amy, Andrea, Drew, Matt, Jess, Jamie

2004-11-20T07:04:00.000+01:00

Kirsten and Ellora being themselves (exuberant).

2004-11-20T07:03:00.000+01:00

Kirsten's B-day - here with the guys: Drew, Matt, me, Chim Lum, Jamie, and Johnny infront of the lounge piano.

Lots of stuff and black & white

2004-11-20T06:58:00.000+01:00

Argh! This has been such a stressful time. I haven't had time in the last two weeks to take a breath. *breathes* ..... hmmmm.....what has happened?.....

Okay, about two weeks ago, President Bush was re-elected. People got drunk. People got sad. People move on. Oh well. Well get him out in four years for sure. It still was really sad on campus the day after. But, in the separate world of college, the bad things in life just kind of sink out of sight into the abyss of the rest of the world. Too many things to do, to worry about…. I don’t know, you just let time file away the sharp edges of reality. And you just put everything else aside. But, I just do hope that something will be done with the Kyoto Plan that has been accepted by every other G8 nation in the world except the US. I don’t think the economy will be too greatly benefited by global warming. But, I sadly think Bush is not seeing that. And it makes me sad…..

Anyhow, I’ll move beyond that. Two weeks ago, my friends and I had a black and white themed birthday party. It was for our dear Kirsten. We all dressed in black and white, had food, took pictures, and watched black and white Hitchcock movies – Strangers on a Train, and Pyscho. I had a lot of fun and the pictures are awesome. So, I’ll post them with this entry. That Saturday (the next day) I went to a Caribbean Party at EBF (the Enchanted Broccoli Forrest) and I do believe I got sick from that night. The dancing was pretty extreme. However, I was seduced quite early in the night. Once we (JS, Aubrey, and Samia) got there, (well, I first noticed the really cushiony carpet) I was enticed by a balloon floating around. It was as if it was beckoning me throughout the night….luring me….. So, I did what I always do when I want something. I make my move to get it. And guess what? I got it. I was so FREAKING happy for the rest of the night. I was dancing, skipping the way back. JS called me different and unique. I didn’t care. I was so sincerely happy (for once). It was so irrational. So, that night I decided that I am always sad minus the little things in life that make me happy. Then, I seize these little things – regardless of what it is – with all I got and squeeze it until it’s a little pulp and bring it home with me. Hahaha (sorry…. I’m having too much fun with this analogy).

Then….came the week of hell – physically.

I started to get so much gunk stuck in my throat and hence my throat was so dry and raspy every morning. Then, the coughing started. C’etait horrible! So I did what any reasonable person would do, I got drugged up on cough syrup. And then, I got pilled with vitamins and minerals. Nevertheless, I was chronically coughing in all my classes and feeling like crap every morning. It was ever so depressing to see me. I felt depressed looking and thinking about myself. But, the big one really hit me one morning when I didn’t have breakfast because I woke up late for my 9AM class but still drank all my medication. Awwwww….. I cringe now thinking about how miserable I felt. During French and after it, I felt like simultaneously puking and collapsing from fatigue. So, I ended up sitting on the floor of a bathroom stall for like half an hour trying to recoup. This was when I decided I was gonna skip my next four classes. And to make things all the better, it was raining hard that day and I had forgotten to take my umbrella (b/c I was late). So, I then dragged myself out of the restroom and managed to start my trek back to my room. But, it was raining too hard at that time and I didn’t think I could handle getting wet. So, I found myself a bench and I lied down for another thirty minutes until the rain stopped. I lied sprawled on the bench in complete exhaustion. Seriously, I thought I was gonna to just give in. Oddly, I was thinking about my funeral. Who would come and what would be said about me. How no one really understood me. And other niceties like such. It finally did stopped raining, so I started back…. Still thinking about death…..(my IHUM class is really getting to me).

*pause* which brings me to topics of my IHUM class. We have discussed – is death bad or good (we decided it was good), what you do to dead bodies, what rituals are performed after death, the meaningless of death, and next week we go into suicide then assisted suicide. And after all this, they will hand back our essays. I really wonder why this order..... But, Yay!…… can’t you tell I’m always thinking about pretty flowers and happy cows?
*unpause*

But, I barely got back. Hari, my roomie, had a field trip that day. So, I was with myself for the next eight hours reclined on my bed and thinking, or rather brooding. I had JS bring me food, but I was offered no company. So, I continued in my solitude. I was only offered consolation statements like “that sucks” or “that really sucks.” (vocabulary has really come to a impasse) So, what did I do? I read depressing novelettes, obviously…. And then I re-read them. And then I continued thinking. Pondering. Imagining. It was so borderline delirium. But, I got better. It was a good thing it was a Thursday with no work due the next day. But, I did a lot of thinking that day. (eight hours of it)

Well, that weekend (which was last weekend) I went to a pyjama party. I was sick so that was no fun. However, I did save my friend Maren from weird guys that night. That was nice of me. And I think im getting a cough drop addiction. Oh well.

Then, on Saturday I had the Screw Your Sibling thing. It was okay. I had some fun and I guess that’s all you can really ask for. We, my family, went to Palo Alto for dinner at Zabibbo – an expensive Mediterranean restaurant. Then we went to Kimball and had a pre-party in Iesan’s room. Afterwards, we went to the SYS dance. I got back at 12:30 and played foosball until two that morning with Aubrey and JS and Steph.

On Sunday I did lots of work.

This last week I had a math mid-term (not too bad), an IHUM paper due (not bad, but oh so long), and a French test (not bad at all). But, soooo much in one week. I’m ever so happy that it’s all over.

So, I’m letting that happiness soak in right now.

Tonight, I’m going to a concert at Stanford’s Memorial Church by the University Singers. They are performing Mozart’s Requiem tonight. I’ll be going with Kirsten.

Tomorrow, I’ll be off to Berkeley for “the BIG GAME.” It shall be interesting and entertaining.

Sorry for the long wait. Now here are some pictures.

2004-11-07T04:38:00.000+01:00

Scavenger Hunt....... Cooper in the cove catching a basball from the stadium behind us.

2004-11-07T04:37:00.000+01:00

This was my scavenger group - Kirsten, Amy, Maren, Samia, Cooper, Shivaram, and me (and wet boxers). We won.

2004-11-07T04:35:00.000+01:00

Us protesting in public ...... is if you can read it. (It's about succession)

2004-11-07T04:34:00.000+01:00

Scavenger Hunt Picture........This was one of our pics - us praying to a baseball idol.

2004-11-07T02:26:00.000+01:00

This is a street at Stanford with lots of color.

2004-11-07T02:24:00.000+01:00

This is an image of the "dish trail" with the golden Californian grass along the way. I remind you that it is forbidden to go off of the trail..........(how stupid)

Finding..... Catching "It"

2004-11-07T02:19:00.000+01:00

Last weekend was Halloween. I definitely enjoyed myself that night.

On Friday night, I went to a French party. But I got the wrong time, so we (being Aubrey, Amy, Alissa, Maren, Andrea, Libby, JS, and me) went to La Maison Francaise an hour early. So, we sat and talked. Then, some of the girls wanted to change into something more fitting so they went back to change – hence, leaving Amy, Aubrey, JS, and me to walk around for about thirty minutes. It was dark and nice outside. Still, I was limping. So……. I felt like I just tagged along. We got back to the party and had overly-priced crepes. YAY! (not really) It got really crowded – I guess that house was the “place to be” that night. So, we left and then we followed thumping music to another party where we danced to ourselves in our little group. However, this was a costume party – and we weren’t wearing costumes. (Note: It is very easy to find parties when you walk with girls in short skirts. People shout out at you to come to their parties.) The costumes were actually very artistic and innovative: there was a giraffe, a shower, a light bulb, lots of drag, and sci-fi creatures. Anyhow, it got boring really fast and JS seemed really eager to go back. So we did. We went back and I took a shower – I hadn’t done so for two days, so it was good. Then we went to Max’s room and line danced (the electric slide) to country music. Then, I went to sleep. It was an okay night.

I started out Saturday with a four mile walk to Stanford’s radio satellite on a high hill on campus. I was planning to go with a friend; but, he ended up with work. So, I went alone. I think I walked and thought for about four hours in solitude. The weather was amazing that day. It was a clear and warm day. The trail is called the “dish” – it being the walk to and from the satellite. It was really, really fun. Minus one thing – the rule that you cannot touch anything. You can’t walk on the dead grass and you definitely cannot touch the trees or plants. I made the lethal mistake of sitting on a scenic tree. It got nasty…..but, oh well…….I guess they were only doing their jobs.

That same night, Saturday, a large group of people from the dorm decided to go out partying. And we did. We went to a dry Otero party, a crowed Xanadu party, and a weird Synergist party. I didn’t drink at all; but, I felt drunk. I had a lot of fun dancing that night. We danced into about two in the morning.

There was a lot of grinding. But, I guess that’s the only thing that you can do with modern music. Oh wait, there was also some swaying. But, you forget that part and you just have a fun time with your friends. It’s better to grind with people you know than complete strangers that are only looking to get into pants – other than theirs. Again, I must mention that Stanford is a very liberal school, so we danced in large orgies with either gender. Personally, I had an exorbitantly large quantity of fun that night. There wasn’t as much nudity at these parties. But, many people were very close to it. Oh! The Synergist party had all black lights, so I had lots of fun with glowing clothing. Then, there was also glow-in-the-dark body painting. However, they started playing really odd blues-reggae music that you can only really enjoy if you were high. (Most people were either drunk or high or both – so they enjoyed it) But, my somber self didn’t like it too much. Plus, I got really bored with the swaying. So, we left at about two. I crashed that night. I did a lot of dancing with Kimber and JS that night.

I had lots of fun. But, it felt so artificial…. like it was a one night fling…. like it wasn’t gonna happen again…. I didn’t feel that feeling that I had last year with my HS friends after we did something that made me as happy. It was kind of sad – even when I was so happy. It only makes me wonder if I can ever be completely, consummately, entirely happy. When will I be thoroughly content….or is this it? Is this all that I am to expect for the rest of my life? I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t know what to think or feel. I know that it exists. It must be possible. It is still (and forevermore) so elusive. Darn it. I just want to contrive a trap that can capture this it. But, there is no trap. No guarantee. Always fluttering away. Always dodging the nets. Always missing me…

2004-11-05T04:05:00.000+01:00

These are some trees in the Main Quad on the full moon.

2004-11-05T04:04:00.000+01:00

Full Moon on the Quad - Lots of people being crazy. The notorious Stanford Band is seen in the background.

Lunatics!

2004-10-30T02:28:00.000+02:00

Wow, it’s been like six weeks since I’ve been here. Wow, that’s a long time. And, boy, does it feel like a long time.

And yet, it isn’t.

I can’t say that I’m too close to anyone yet. There are some that are very hopeful potentials, but not quite there yet. It’s kind of odd to think about such things. Last night, I talked to Em for about an hour. Yay! It was really nice to talk to someone that you already have such close bonds. But I spent a large part of the time trying to catch a skunk. It just seemed sooooo very soft. I think that last night was the first time I have ever seen a skunk in real life. (it just trotted right past me on the ground from one bush to another.) And guess what! Emma was there to experience my reaction to my first experience of seeing a skunk. Then……came the badgers and black cats with white streaks…………….but that’s for another time.

Well, the infamous kissing event at Stanford called Full Moon on the Quad occurred on Wednesday. I was there for about one hour and a half. It was very interesting indeed. I think it is also the first time I’ve seen about thirty completely naked people together……in flesh. Of course, it was kinda cold, so the only logical thing to do would be to paint their bodies to keep themselves warm. Which they did. Bright interesting colors – tamarisk orange, typhoid yellow, bruised red, etc………. It was very odd at first. But, I don’t think it elicited any reaction from me – too vulgar I think. (they were not shamelessly ugly people….these streakers were mostly attractive, athletic people…..yet nothing.) Oh well. I think it’s the context that throws me off. Too many people, too cold, not very sensual…….anyhow. I think I’ll stop talking about the nekkid people. Other than that, there were bands playing all through the event. They played songs like “Rollercoaster” to “Go Fuck.” There was also a burlesque show that started every so often. It had feathers and everything. (and was much more seductive) There were fire dancers and lots of loud music. But……don’t forget about the one most important detail. There was a lot of kissing! (fyi. – I was not part of the kissing crowd) The sponsors of the event even passed out flyers on different types of kissing with manuals teaching everyone how to perform the kiss. It was very odd to think that college students really devolve down to such carnal creatures of the flesh. (and at THIS school…..I don’t know, maybe especially this school……either way works) So, that was that. I came by myself and left by myself. I was about to walk to The Gates of Hell. But, it was too far and my legs were hurting again. So, I just sat under a really large tree near the Quad. I sat there for like thirty minutes and thought about things. Then I went home and to sleep.

Oh….yes, my injury. Well, Tuesday was TKD practice night. And this last Tuesday was the first day for sparring. It was a shadow spar but, I was kneed in the thigh by a lower belt. That night, it didn’t hurt. But, boy…oh boy, did it hurt the next morning. Hence, I’ve been limping around for the last three days. I go at record slow speeds. But, now I can watch the environment that I’m in. OH YES, stairs are a bitch. (very much so)

Then, last night my house played capture the flag with the house next door. Serra v. Casa Zapata. (I’m in Serra) In the end, they cheated, and thought they won. And we knew that they cheated, so we decided that we won. It was generally a win-win situation.

Then, I wake up today. I’m planning on going to a French party tonight. (not really party) And I think I will be limping to the local Satellite Dish on campus on a very high hill tomorrow. It is a three-four mile trek. I’m looking forward to it very much so. I’ll be going alone (a friend bailed out today because of lots of work they he had to do). I’m still happily looking forward to it.

Well, I think I’m done for this week. Stay tuned next week. (or even earlier?) (suspenseful, eh?)

2004-10-25T07:22:00.000+02:00

This is a view from ontop of the tower. You can even see the San Francisco Bay.

2004-10-25T07:19:00.000+02:00

This is a view of the Hoover Tower.

Purple Balloon slowly deflates....

2004-10-23T02:05:00.000+02:00

Another week finally over……

Well…..geez…..what has happened?.... Oh yes, I finished my first ever round of midterms in college. I think that deserves a good pat on the back. I only had one, so it wasn’t too bad (along with an essay for my humanities class) I’m more insane now then ever because I’m taking two math classes at the same time (one officially and the other unofficially) so that totals about 24 hours a week. YAY! (not.) Add about another ten hours of extracurricular activities and you a have a tree deprived of sleep (………yet again.) I distinctly remembering that I thought college would allow me to sleep more because I wouldn’t have to wake up so early (i.e. 6 AM). However, I still get about the same amount of sleep. (DAMN you, interesting dorm-mates) It’s also not fun to have a 9 o’clock every day. In relation to high school, that would be so awesome. Yet…. It’s not. (???)

Anyhow, last Friday, I went to the Okada party (Okada is the Asian theme house) which was suppose to be cool. We showed up to a party with ten motionless people staring at the wall while an asian student raps to (I think) karaoke. So………we left. It was the only natural thing to do. And me being the party-animal that I am, it is assumed that leaving was the only course of action. Afterwards, the intention was for some people to go to a frat party. But, again, my party instincts kicked in and I didn’t go. Imagine all of this excitement with a throbbing headache. (I did try sleeping off the headache….but, the junior next door plays very loud pop music that possesses a pounding quality that I didn’t really help with headache.) But, I finally went to sleep. So, I was all better the next day.

Sunday, Johnny and I along with my roommate Hari went up the infamous Hoover tower (this tower is known as the largest phallus on campus – rising up to about 300 ft. – I don’t think very many guys can compare……as in no one) Anyhow, the wind was very nice and stuff. I could see the San Francisco Bay and water. It was nice, but excessively windy.

Then, it rained for the next three days. Imagine this: collages of colors from red, yellow, and green sprinkled with an assortment of brown in every direction; cloudy and tranquil mornings that convey a sense of solidarity; gentle breezes that glistens your surroundings because of the fluttering leaves and branches in the afternoon sun that comes out after the clouds fade………………….and quiet and peaceful nights in under a blanket of passive stars. Of course, I’m always running to classes and buried in work so I can’t thoroughly savor every juicy piece of image presented to me here. Yet, I try real hard to take it all in even if it’s a cursory one. Plus, the frequent rains here make me SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYY !!! !!! !!! It really compliments me! Or at least I feel it does. I love ambling around on campus when I get the chance. It really gives me a peace at mind to think things through and stuff of that sort……..or not think at all.

Happiness really does come down to very little and simple things. (well, to me right now it does) i.e. this last week, I rescued a balloon that was destined to be trashed and gave it a home on my backpack (very conspicuously). I was so irrationally happy with it always on my backside. I named the thing “purple” (guess why?) and wrote “U Suck! (smiley face)” on it. It made me oh-so happy inside. I decided that it represented my happiness. Yes, a fickle thing that could pop at any moment. And the world is full of edges. (indeed) But, it’s still alive right now. So, I’m still relatively happy.

This weekend is Stanford’s homecoming. So, I got and get to meet so many people who used to go here from ten years back all the way to sixty years back. It’s very interesting. It makes me think of my future self – coming back to visit a place where a sequence of memories occurred; events so full of emotion and thought that would enrich the final composition of who I am. Huh………….I feel nostalgic already……….is that even possible? But, right now I’m just moving with the current without much time to contemplate or wonder. It’s always pushing. I just keep on floating. (why resist?)

Anyhow, last night after my last midterm, I was in a dorm-mate’s (Gene) room with other people (about a total of ten people) having fruit and melted chocolate. Then we listened to old music and danced. I’m serious (I even danced). I was extremely happy (for that moment – and I guess that’s all that really counts – moments that are happy). So, I went to bed at two and took a test this morning in French.

Oh, my group for the scavenger hunt won the contest with the best pictures. YAY! So, I’ll post some of those pictures soon.

Well, this finishes my week.

(I wasn’t too melancholy this last week. However, I’ve been preoccupied with death since class started (I’m taking a class on mortality in philosophy and bioethics). So, it really does put things into a more real perspective. I’m not personally melancholy, but I am definitely in a state of worldly melancholia.)

Look forward to my comments on "Full Moon on the Quad: the Stanford Kissing Frenzy" that will happen this next Wednesday.

2004-10-16T23:51:00.000+02:00

It's Chelsea, me, and Max on the Beach. It's our beach attire.

2004-10-16T23:48:00.000+02:00

The FIRE! With some of my dorm-mates and their college spirit on their sweatshirts. There's Libby, Kirsten, Johnny, and Matt (and others).

2004-10-16T23:44:00.000+02:00

Guitar-ing on the beach. Riaz, Eric, Drew, and Kirsten.

FIRE.......my precious fire!

2004-10-16T22:40:00.000+02:00

It is me again. The last week has been a tough one. Lots of stress and stuff of that nature.

My first essay was due on Friday for my Mortality class and mid-terms are coming up next week. The week's math problem set was again just as stressful and frustrating like every other week. But, that pain may come to a closure soon................

But, putting aside all of my problems and complaints. I WENT to the BEACH yesterday. (literally.....no puns intended) It was about a forty minute drive to Pacifica Beach where bonfires are allowed. It was very dark and pretty chilly, but the trip was worth it. I saw some exceedingly brilliant stars last night. The entire sky was very artistic indeed. Because of the coastal range of mountains along the Californian coast, all the precipitation from the ocean never past these first ranges. Therefore, the fog and clouds hung out right at the beach. However - luckily - last night, the clouds did not cover up all the stars. But, it kinda made a boundary for the tapestry of the constellations. The stars were extremely bright.

With nice lights from above and a soothing crashing of the waves onto the beach, it was a very tranquil. When Daniel, Drew, and I got there, there was already a fire started by Allison. So, we just sat right in. It was chilly, but the fire made it go away.

Then came the s'mores.

Then came my withdrawal from the crowd. I had a nice time to myself last night. I screamed into the sea. With the strong oceanic winds, it was nice because no one would know what I was screaming or singing. I just let go for awhile and shouted things I needed to get out or to sing things without any inhibitions or constraint. It was extremely cathargic.

Is this solitude? - I asked myself. I don't know. Am I really a social creature at heart or just a hermit taking on new airs of gregariousness? But, regardless of whatever it was and whatever I am, I was happy in a very melancholic way. I was a very personal happiness (I think).

I must comment that beach restrooms are very interesting. (I'll leave the rest of the discussion to personal experiences.)

Then came the police.

We were completely innocent. Yet, there were dogs, bright flashlights, and loud cops. The curfew for beach fires was ten. And it was exactly 10:01. So, the cops took up the chance to act like the bullies that they really were at heart - as if this was their chance to avenge on some childhood injustice or even a grown-up injustice. Imagine if one of those cops found his wife or girlfriend with another guy that afternoon. With the authority that they have, of course they will exercise and even borderline abuse their power. We do live in a Macho-istic society. So, it's bound to happen. Restraint is nothing when it comes to questioning your machoism. "My wife is my property! IT'S MINE!" So, then he unleahes his rage on us innocent students full of optimism and vivacity. I mean, they were even threatening to lock up the gates to the parking lot if we don't go immediately. Then, they waited for us to leave before they left. I mean what a bunch of beaches.

But, we got back to the dorm at about 11 PM. Then we had one of my dormmates play popular songs so that we could sing to it. (He was a live karaoke machine). Then, another dorm-mate played Chopin's Barcarolle. (He studied piano for four years in Russia and just came back) It was a AMAZING! Then, after midnight we had the entire dorm sing Happy Birthday to my roommate Hari. He was very happy.

Then, I stayed up until about one reminiscing about childhood books and shows. i.e. Berenstein Bears, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Thomas the Engine, Reading Rainbow, Roald Dahl, etc. The conversation was so intense. Everyone was extremely into it. I had a really fun time. Then I woke up at noon this morning.

That brings things up to date. Here are some pictures of the Bonfire. Keep yourself updated about me.

2004-10-12T05:20:00.000+02:00

Emily and me - she will write musicals that I might be able to sing to. Yay Emily.

Hunting for Lingerie........

2004-10-11T20:06:00.000+02:00

Last Saturday, I went to SF again. This time with almost all the frosh at Stanford. It was indeed the notoriously crazy yearly scavenger hunt!

I woke up at about 8 in the morning to walk to the Caltrain. We got to SF at about 11 PM. That morning I relapsed into another state of melancholia. It really was unpredictable. I think it was triggered by one comment that really struck me to the core. How odd that things like these can happen. But, I went through a very quiet and reserved morning only commenting when directly asked anything. It was a chance for me to gloom and observe my fellow companions in a different filter. My natural outwardness does inhibit the receptance of certain dimensions of people. But, through a sephia tone, my surroundings with its people do take on another shade.

Anyhow, how could I be gloom for long when we had to do such crazy task for the scavenger hunt. We started out by praying to a statue, jumping into a bay, and giving children flowers that we happen to find anywhere. We meet this European little girl (I think she was two years old) at a bookstore that accepted our little flower that we picked from the bay. She was shy and timid while being bold and courageous at the same. I don't think anyone would not have smiled to see the sanguinity and exuberance of such youth. That really cheered me up. Then we did more crazy things.

Such as: jumped into a public fountain and played ball, protested on the streets of the Haight, tried to sell our underwear, serenaded random couples, tried to apply to strip-joints (I think I went into about 7 places), bought lewd items (imagine.......), cross-dressed, kissed live seafood, etc....

I almost forgot about the extremely notorious Stanford crotch hand-shake. I was indeed an interesting time. However, we did not get into Victoria Secret to try on lingerie. When we enterd the door, two very large men in suits approached us and declared that "the police are on their way." It was trite but, very effective. As the afternoon bore on the SFranciscan knew that Stanford was there, so they became quite unhospitable. I got kinda sick after sitting in the back of a taxi van. And we ended our day at the Metreon shopping center. Overall, I had fun. But man.......J'etais tres fat-and-gay. That night I think I got about eleven hours of sleep. I slept like a baby on tranquilizers.

The trip offered lots of chances at nudity. However, our class of '08 didn't really take up the invitation. I guess we are just more shy in public. Usually, there is quite a lot of streaking on Haight Street. But, don't underestimate. Stanford students still do lots of streaking indeed. The all-frosh dorm next to mine does like at least two streaks a week. (Usually induced by drinking games or intense exuberance) No inhibitions at all.

I went to CHINATOWN. YAY. It was very interesting. I liked it. Hopefully I'll be there for Lunar New Year Celebration in February.

I got to know some new people better from my dorm. And saw some very colorful individuals. I did see some people that I want to know better. And I hope that it will work out.....

But.........

I spent the Sunday, doing very little work. I saw Spiderman 2 again. It was still very fun to watch.

I was melancholy last night. Probably on something trivial again (peut-etre involving some social relationship/interaction). But, c'est moi.

2004-10-11T17:34:00.000+02:00

Johnny and Me at the SF technofest. It was pretty dark. (Again, I look high.....somehow...oh well)

Shiny, Shiny . . . . .

2004-10-06T20:33:00.000+02:00

Have you ever been stuck in a bag? Stuck and couldn't get out, and at the same time falling into a chasm of darkness......Struggling to get out, to stop falling, to free yourself?

Well, of course, you shouldn't have experienced this because it's impossible.

Nevertheless, life sometimes does seem to be very similar to this. It's sad that one can bag oneself up so easily and most of the time without even knowing it. Then, you just hope that you'll fall to a place where you can climb back up. The most wretched feeling is when you have no hope of climbing back up.......but, I guess sometimes I am too optimistic.

However, I'm the most realistic optimist that you'll find. I like to call myself layered. A thin blanket of cheeriness over a sea of realistic pessimism. But, if you go deep enough, under that sea is a bottom full with unexplained and unreasonable hope and optimism. (I haven't really reached deeper then this......I'm guessing that there is definitely more)

The layered me only makes me a bit more interesting to meet. (of course my friends will affirm to this)

Anyhow, this week is going much more fluidly then the last. I'm excessively sore today (mainly in my inner thigh and buttock) and am walking very awkwardly. Due to my first TKD class on campus, it was supposed to be only 1 and 1/2 hours, but it continued on for over two hours. The most interesting aspect of the class is the ever-so shiny head of the head instructor. I have never seen a head more bald and as shiny. It made me want to rub it like a bowling ball. I could see my reflection on his head. (I can probably go on and on........) Nonetheless, he was very agile and experienced - so it's all good. One can even conjecture that maybe a shiny head is the result of thirty years of TKD training.......??? But, there was about one hundred people there. It was pretty crowded with lots of awkward beginners. I started out with all the formality crap of being a new student and stuff. But, I got bored so I joined the old students in their kicking exercise. Everyone here seems to be quite self-conscious. (extremely self-conscious) But, all in all, it was moderately decent. I got sore so it was sufficient. I'll keep you updated on the shiny-ness.

But, other than that, I can't think of anything else now. I will link up a good SF picture soon.

Hope you enjoyed my rambling. C'est tout.

2004-10-04T19:26:00.000+02:00

The symbol of California. I took this at Huntington Beach about two weeks ago.

LOVE Parade!

2004-10-03T22:23:00.000+02:00

I went to San Francisco yesterday. (That deserves it's own sentence.)

I was fun. (generally) We purposely (methinks) did not plan ahead of time about what we wanted to do. Therefore, we had ourselves a grand little adventure. (We is Me, John S, Chelsea V, Jamie D, Ellora K, Riaz _, and Eric B -- and grand as in interesting)

"We" had to catch the campus bus to the train station, Caltrain. However, we were late.....then we had to wait for thirty minutes in the sun for the train to come. So....compositely.....it took us about two and 1/2 hours to get to SF. And when we got there, we spent about another two hours trying to figure out a means of transportation to a place that we really didn't decide on. When we finally bought tickets and got onto a bus, we decided to get off after four blocks to head back to where we started. Some passenger persuaded a number of "us" that Fisherman's Wharf was nothing in comparison to the "debauchery" of a "kick-ass" party that happened to be in the exact opposite direction. So, the "we" (in its entirety) got off the bus and started on our way back.

Then, hunger came. So, we dodged it by hiding in a little (but very chic) Thai restaurant on 4th Street named Cha Am (I have a business card if anyone's interested). We had dinner. Yay.

Then, some of us decided to check out this "party." But, we also wanted to make it back in time for the 8 PM train departure. So we had thirty minutes. Weaving through crowds of drunks, potheads, and entirely shameless people; JS and I ran (almost) through the huge thing. It happened to be the annual International techno fest "Love Parade."

Everything was there: fire-dancers, belly-dancers, grinding dancers, bunny costumes, making out couples - of every combo, men in purple jumpsuits riding unicycles, horny ballerinas, freaky goths, the basic overweight American squeezed in tight, revealing clothing (quite a few of these), nerds of all types (from computer to book) dancing and hoping to catch an eye, and the people that you can't imagine in any other context except for going to one of these parties - people who seem to sustain life just to attend these debaucheries of craziness and anarchy with their vibrant hair colors, tatoos, and over-pierced bodies. (It was pretty awesome :))

The music got boring and the everything else got monotonous after a while (ten minutes). So, we (me and JS) left. And futhermore, we got back in time for the train and went home. We sang and acted drunk on the way back. Twas fun. In the end, out of our group, four of us all piled into a twin bed and talked until about one in the morning. (Clothed)

Then.....I passed out and don't remember anything. (just waking up all sticky)
(hopefully.....it is understood that this part is to make this journal entry more interesting. It's not necessarily true -- i mean the sticky part)

Overall, I must comment that the parade (with about 40 floats of extremely loud music) was a new experience that I observed. People in general are truly interesting.....I can't even imagine all the stories from all of these people that are floating out there. It's heart warming to see such mosaic and variegated humanity in such a context. However, JS and I did feel very (extremely) out of place.

But, me guess that college is about experiencing it all. So I did my part. (unlike some of my "anti-social" friends)

tha's all folks.

(I'll get some pictures linked up soon)

Commencing......

2004-10-01T20:34:00.000+02:00

Finally..........

I finally found some time to do this thing call "blog."
I guess "je blogge finalement."

Et c'est tres facile.

But, HI.

I'm Tri (pronounced easily "tree"). I'm finding that it's quite a conversation piece at my University. I'm a freshmen this year (or in California....known as "frosh") and I'm clueless about my future. YAY! And my school's mascot is only a color.......it's odd.

I miss the comfort of familiarity in Texas. But love the chance to explore the newness of CA. People are generally interesting enough to talk to at least for the generic five-ten minutes. I'll be visiting San Francisco tomorrow. YAY!

Palo Alto is soooooooooo EXPENSIVE. College est tres cher.

Anyhow, I must leave you now. And let you make up the rest about me. Have fun.

(side note)......Emma! you can finally read me now. hahaha
I promise to be less boring.....even though I don't think I'm boring.
And I promise lots of dirt from my School. :)